**trigger warning: eating disorder**
i try to be as transparent as i can when i write because it's my job to speak truths.
this song is about my recovery process and my struggles with anorexia and OCD. i never realized how much it has taken away from me over the past 11 years until i hit rock bottom. i wrote this song over the course of eight months at my lowest points as i was in and out of rehab and the hospital. i had to understand that if i wanted to live, i had to face the truth and fight. i was scared shitless. i had to put my entire life on pause during this time and focus on my health. looking back at where i was compared to where i am now and how much work i had to do to get here is something i am very proud of and i am very lucky to have met the people and resources i have during this time. i am happy to share this song with you all and to give it to anyone who needs it.
i want anyone who struggles with an ED (or any kind of addiction) to know you are not alone. its scary as hell reaching out for help and being vulnerable but the lessons i have learned from doing so are now tools i am very fortunate to have for the rest of my life and on the rest of my recovery journey to now be able to do things i could not do before and live my life how i’ve always wanted to. every day is a struggle but it gets a little easier every week as i keep working toward where i want to be. somedays it's one step forward then three steps back, days where all my body will let me do is sleep, and learning that i have to accept the truth that i have an eating disorder, i don't want to live in denial any more. i have to remind myself of these things every single day as recovery does not feel like a natural path and it is scary. along with all this, i know there is nothing linear about the process of recovery and that is completely okay.
don’t be afraid to reach out for help, pain is universal and it doesn’t last forever <3
National Eating Disorder Association: 1-800-931-2237
NEDA is available Monday through Thursday, from 9 a.m. – 9 p.m. and Friday from 9 a.m. – 5 p.m. (EST)
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255 (24/7)
Crisis Text Line: Text SUPPORT to 741-741
_________________________________________________________
lyrics
LYRICS:
I let thoughts come, I let them go
I am tired of feeling my body decompose
You can bet your ass I’m afraid
But I’m not gonna give up today
I swore I’d have to say goodbye
I thought that was my last day alive
Hurting myself won’t fix anything
I’m gonna let the healing sting
Because I will do the work
Cheers to the Calvary
I think I need you
For a false sense of control
I don’t want my tools to be weapons
Let me let you go
I’ll lead the end cause you lead the start
I can feel you in my jaw and in my heart
Hurting myself won’t fix anything
I’m gonna let the healing sting
Because I will do the work
Cheers to the Calvary
This is for love, I reject hate
This is for loss, this is for the fate
This is my life, this is my choice
This is my body, this is my voice
This is for love, I reject hate
This is for loss, this is for the fate
This is my life, this is my choice
This is my body, this is my voice
It’s a god damn war but hell I’m alive
Mark my words, I don’t want to die
Hurting myself won’t fix anything
I’m gonna let the healing sting
Because I will do the work
I will do the work
Cheers to the Calvary
credits
released May 22, 2021
Written, arranged, and produced by Maddi Gruber
Maddi Gruber on electric and acoustic guitar, synthesizer, vocals, drum machine, and keyboard
Justin Almazan on drums
Josh Nimmo on bass
A slow drip of Tropicália-infused psychedelia from New Orleans rock outfit Blue Basin: balmy one moment, aggressive the next. Bandcamp New & Notable Apr 22, 2022
